If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
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