Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I didn't notice because vodka
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
