Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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