he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
