her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
