Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
