My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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