and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
