you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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