I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
