I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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