I wish I could teleport
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
