Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
