It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
