she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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