I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
