I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
