I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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