Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so Iām going to see where this goes
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