you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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