would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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