I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
