I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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