yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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