Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
