We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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