dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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