im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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