he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
