Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
