i already hear my dad disowning me
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
