My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
