Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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