Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
