dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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