normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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