at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
