Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
