Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
