I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
