I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I still have a little drunk in my system
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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