Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
