cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
