he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
