My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
