ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i think my tv is drunk
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
