i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
