i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
