My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
and she was petting her beer can
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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