Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
